I abused my friend!

                        “Validate them. ‘I see you. I hear you. And what you say matters to me.’” — Oprah

     Last night I had a conversation with one of my close friends; this is not unusual. We talked about all the subjects that we usually discuss: our family, friends, television, hot topics in the news, and our relationship. She then informed me about a personal issue; again, nothing unusual. She told me about her problem and asked me what I thought. I am known for giving advice to my friends about complicated life issues. However, while on the phone, I also had a pressing issue that I wanted to discuss with her. While she was talking, I was thinking about my issue and how I wanted to phrase it to her.

I thought about the advice she would give me and how I would apply it. While doing this, I stopped and thought, “I am a horrible human being.” Hearing my friend speak, I could tell you everything she said backward and forwards, but I was not actively listening to her. I had neither empathy nor sympathy for the issues that she was facing in life. I was too busy worrying about my problems, wanting comfort and solace; I was never genuinely paying attention to her problems. I could have actively listened and genuinely connected to her and her pain. I realized I was a user, though I was not using her for fame or fortune. I was taking advantage of something more valuable and precious- our friendship. I was disobeying the cardinal rule from Lady O; I was not validating her.

Oprah says that people only want validation. They want to know that they are seen, heard and that what they say matters to someone. I was not doing this for my friend. I was so consumed with my problems; I did not authentically see or hear her. This means that what she said had no effect on me. I did not show my friend that she was important, even though she may not have known this then. I seemed very sympathetic and honest about my thoughts on the situation; I even gave her advice. I was doing these things, but I was not validating her. I was not showing her that she mattered to me. Again, I am a horrible human being.

During this examination of myself, I learned that I can change this behavior. I can make a conscious effort to change my selfish ways. I can remember this quote and ask myself: do I see her, hear her, and do what she says matter to me. If I can answer this, then I know I have succeeded. If I cannot, I need her to keep talking about her situation.  I need her to talk about the issue until I mentally validate her. I learned I can love her until the end, but love is insufficient if what she says does not matter to me. Our friendship does not matter if I abuse and exploit my friend. I will work hard to reform my greedy ways because I love her, and her thoughts matter to me.

Until next time:

Let God’s light shine within you and through you!