Lesson Learned

In the 80’s, Nancy Reagan had the “just say no” campaign. This campaign encouraged children to resist the temptation of the popular drug culture. It was a failure — at best. We all know that this catchy saying did almost nothing to help the drug epidemic and, in many ways, made it worse. Nevertheless, this is a conversation for a different day. Recently, this saying has repeatedly been playing in my head.

I used to believe that saying no meant I was mean and disrespectful. If I said no, then it showed that I was selfish and did not care about the concerns of others. I believed if I said no, that people would treat me differently. I had several questions: “What if I needed them one day? What if they talked about me? Or, what if I was being mean? What would happen to my soul?” More importantly, I hated saying no, because I did not want confrontation. (I guess that makes me a level-four person). On those rare occasions when I did say no. It was never a firm no. Sometimes, I didn’t use the word no. I tried to water it down. I often would accompany my answer with a detailed explanation, sometimes telling a little white lie.

These questions and thoughts ran through my mind briefly before I would answer, often with a yes. Since, I have been doing the hard work of healing my mind, body, and soul. I realized those yeses were killing my soul, and I hated it.

Let me explain, I am a “people pleaser.” I try to make everyone comfortable, and sometimes I set myself aside. I would move my schedule around, do things that I did not want to do, and make myself accessible. I did this so no one would talk about me. I did not want people saying, “I was unreliable, a bad friend, or untrustworthy.” I did this and did not think about myself. I did this when I did not receive the same in return. Whenever I was inconvenienced, people would walk over me in return. I could not count on those people.

I learned that if I could not count on people to be there, they should not be able to count on me. If people are unreliable, they show they do not value my time or presence. If they expect me to always say yes, and they say no. This is not a reciprocal relationship. It does not deserve my time. If people only call on me when they need something. They’re focused on themselves. In return, I will focus on myself.

Also, it is ok if the request goes against your well-being. Your well-being also includes your spiritual health. If you know the proposal will hurt or make you uncomfortable. It does not matter if the person making the demand has been consistent. If they are indeed for you, they will understand.

I learned to just say no!

Wisdom Earned

Sometimes, our souls are on life support because we are “yes people.” We say yes to everyone for fear of a negative portrayal.

It is unhealthy to give all of yourself away when you do not receive anything in return. Don’t worry about being labeled as mean, crazy, or disrespectful. Your healing is at stake. People will try to convince you that you are not the same or have changed. You should respond with an “Absolutely.” You have learned to value your time and, most importantly yourself. Being dependable and reliable is no fun when you receive unpredictability and unreliability. When we stop normalizing yes and internalizing no. We will be able to move forward in our healing.

When you say no to others, you are really saying yes to yourself. Yes to your healing. Yes to your future. Yes to your soul.

When I learned to say no, I received my healing. I was healed from a life of people-pleasing. I recovered from a life of second-class citizenship. I was healed from being uncomfortable. I was healed from complacency. I was cured of unrealistic expectations and limitations.

It is hard saying no, but once you master it, your soul will find the healing it has desperately sought.

Until next time:

Let God’s light shine within and through you!