I absolutely love springtime (I know I have mentioned this before). The days are longer, warmer outside, flowers are blooming, and the days seem more vivid. Though I love all of these aspects of spring, I love the transformative power of spring. Before spring, there was winter, where it was cold, dark, and depressing, and lands lay barren. In about two weeks, spring changes all of this. It transforms the landscape.
I have been going through my own transformative season of spring. I spoke before about how I was stuck, sad, and nearly lost my mind. It was a dark, isolating, and lonely experience. I realized that that was my winter. I sat through this dormant period, often dazed and confused, wondering why exactly I had done to deserve this punishment.
Unlike the natural progression of Mother Nature, my spring season did not magically occur. I had to put in serious work and even seek professional help. During my spring season, I realized that things could no longer be the same. I fundamentally changed the way in which I was living life. There were friendships that I had to terminate. The building of that relationship had to cease. The way I interacted with people had to change. The way I saw myself had to change.
It was hard work, especially ending years of friendships and a budding relationship (which I wanted for years). However, it had to be done. Those friendships were stifling my growth. The friends were not bad people; they just did not agree with my growth. I wanted to move forward while they were complacent, staying where they were. It was so easy for them to criticize and judge my life, and they did not know how to live their own. I found it interesting after I stopped calling, they stopped communicating.
The building of the relationship had to stop. I was so protective over it, not even letting my closest friends know about it. I knew it would not work; we were two different people. Nevertheless, I wanted this relationship to work over the past four years. It was not going to happen, and I knew it, but I was desperate, and desperate people do desperate things. I compromised my standards, accepted hits to my self-esteem, and nearly lost my mind.
Losing those friendships and relationships allowed for my liberation. I never understood how powerful letting go could feel. When I decided I was done (indeed done), it was the day I allowed myself to move forward. I decided I would no longer allow people around me to control my atmosphere. I
Can no longer let people disturb my inner and outer peace. Not having those people around constantly criticizing my life allowed me to reevaluate my self-worth and self-confidence; I no longer have to argue with people about my life decisions. Their opinion no longer matters. This was easier than you may think. One day I just woke up and realized I was tired. I am tired of defending myself from others, and I am tired of being used. When you get tired of being tired, you will move on. I think I was tired of being in the wilderness and not knowing who I was or where I was going.
After a season of being lost and confused, it feels great to move forward. I lost a great deal, but I gained so many priceless items: my sanity, my self-respect, my self-worth, and genuine friendship, and I learned lessons that will turn into wisdom earned.
Spring is here, and I hope to stay.
Until next time:
Let God’s light shine within and through you!
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