A couple of years ago, I spoke about healing through forgiveness at a workshop. I was tasked with discussing how one receives liberation through forgiveness. When I reached this podium and put up my PowerPoint, my first slide stated, “Forgiveness doesn’t equal kindness.” I could tell some people in the audience were confused. This workshop was meant to show the positive effects of healing through forgiveness. The warm and fuzzy feelings many think about as it relates to forgiveness were something, I was not ready to give.
I was asked to give this presentation when I was not in the mood to forgive anyone. I loved the power (I thought I had) from hating and holding grudges against those I gaged that had done me wrong. So, I couldn’t offer all these warm and fuzzy feelings about forgiveness. I did not want to forgive those who hurt me because I always assumed I had to be nice to them if I forgave them. Some people are not worthy of kindness… and that’s ok. I knew I was on a path to forgiveness, but my forgiveness wouldn’t look like the forgiveness I was taught.
I want to discuss my path to forgiveness by providing a few steps. I will do this over a couple of posts.
Step One: We must sit in the wrongness.
In life, we are expected to forgive and move on quickly. When I was younger, my parents would tell me to forgive and move on whenever I was wronged by someone. This conversation generally happens a few hours after the ‘wrongness’ occurred. How could I forgive someone for something when I did not even have time to process what happened? In my mind, I’m still in the anger and betrayal I felt. I’m still sitting in the words exchanged and the actions that were or were not taken. You have to sit in the betrayal and hurt. When someone has wronged us, it is a loss. We may lose money, relationships, or the favorable perception we once had of said person. We lose something. This is a worthy cause to grieve. Understand it is ok to grieve to be angry, sad, and broken. Sit in it for as long as you need to. The deceit. The betrayal. The humiliation. We must sit in the wrongness to move on to our forgiveness.
Step Two: We must be clear about the issue.
You must be very clear about the issue that requires you to forgive. I know people who have held grudges and have hated people so long that they do not even remember the original cause. Or, we were so angry about the situation that we turned it into something completely different in our recollection— our minds are funny in that way. In this stage, I like to write down the who, what, when, where, why, and how. I usually do this stage in letter form. For me, it is cathartic to write letters explaining my exact grievance against them to the person. You don’t have to give the person the letter…burn it or put it away, but you must be very clear in this stage to know exactly what needs to be healed. You do not want to heal something that isn’t broken, so discover what is broken so you may prepare to heal.
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