Step Three: Understand forgiveness is for me.
We must buy into the cliché, “Forgiveness is not for the other person—forgiveness is for me.” This idea has to be the foundation for a forgiving life. There were times I struggled to forgive, and they had moved on. Sometimes I was hurt, and they did not realize we had an issue. They were living in a world devoid of my anger and bitterness. How are they thriving, and I am here miserable, and they caused my misery? There are times when they don’t know there is a problem, or they are so toxic that they do not care if I forgive or forget. The bitterness and anger can consume your life. It can halt your progress and stunt your growth. All the while, the person who hurt you is thriving. They will not look out for you (in most cases, this is why you must forgive in the first place).
Step Four: Understand that Forgiveness does not equal kindness.
Since forgiveness is for and about you, you do not have to waste your time being kind to those who have wronged you. If I forgive someone: I never have to talk to, be cordial to, see, or offer trust again. In other words, they do not deserve my kindness. Forgiveness is an opportunity to move forward. If people have wronged you, you can establish a limit.
This step looks different to different people, and we will dive deeper into it.
You have to understand the difference between a Micro-Wrong and a Macro-Wrong. This will allow you to determine if you can offer kindness. Macro-Wrongs are things like cheating and killing. Macro-Wrongs show someone’s integrity (or lack thereof). In most cases, we can get to a place of forgiveness that can propel us forward, but we would never offer them kindness. Yes, I know there are many cases of people taking cheaters back. They will proceed to offer them love and kindness. We all get to choose which Wrongs are Micro and which are Macro. Micro-Wrongs are things like forgetting to take the trash out or accidentally pushing me in the hall. These wrongs may not rise to the level of cutting someone out of your life. However, if someone continues to commit Micro-Wrongs, you may have to reevaluate your relationship and the extent of your kindness (they may have a character flaw). Different people have established different limits regarding Micro vs. Macro-Wrongs and their level of kindness.
Some people will argue if you are not practicing kindness have you forgiven them (aren’t you holding a grudge?)
Yes, I have forgiven. However, since they have wronged me; and, I am making the conscious choice to not feed into their toxic and harmful behavior. I can forgive them for their action (which sets me free) and still believe in their toxicity (or their toxic energy). For me, forgiveness is associated with an action, and their consistent toxic energy is associated with their character. I am not God and cannot change someone’s character. Since I cannot control their character, I must move myself and my energy from the equation. I cannot offer them anything, including my kindness.
Step 5: You must practice forgiveness daily.
There are times when I think back to a past wrong. Sometimes from years ago, I find myself getting angry. I thought I had forgiven them. I know I forgave them. However, I am only human, and the pain sometimes comes back like a tsunami. This is when I must start at step 1 and go through step 5. Whenever you think back to past wrongs, it is ok to get angry, but it is important to not stay there. Practice your steps. There are times when I had to forgive people multiple times for the same wrong. When I think of a situation, and my blood begins to boil, I know I have to go back and give away that negative energy and get my forgiveness back.
Until Next Time:
Let God’s Light Shine Within You And Through You!
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